He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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