once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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