he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
Randomize
