Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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