If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
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