I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
