Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
