and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
I wish there were birth control emojis
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Randomize
