It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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