halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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