i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
Randomize
