Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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