she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
You ruined the universe
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
