If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
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