Define "chronic" masturbator.
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
she looked like the before picture.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
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