Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
