My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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