Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
