i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize
