I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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