I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
Randomize
