I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
