dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
I said "one day" and that day is not today
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
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