My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
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