o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
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What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
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