Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Randomize
