Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
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