you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
