im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
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