I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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