Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
