she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
Randomize
