what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Randomize
