We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Randomize
