i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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