how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
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