I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Randomize
