so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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