Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Randomize
