I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Randomize
