I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
YAS. BRING CRAB.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
