yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
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