The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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