Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Randomize
