why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
