I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
