what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
