I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
