I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Randomize
