Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
