Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
