my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
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