Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
My ass is underappreciated
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize
