Good luck man
I dont need it. Shes easy.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
